Dishearted [失落]


for though he knows reality, he chose the path of delusion that has no markup…

xxx

and he happen to meet up with dingdong and joy

and he meet up with claire

and he happen to meet up with xiandi

and he meet up with crystal and rachel

and he meet up with tai2

and he happen to meet up with p0hp0h

meeting up with 8 lovely individuals. yet he was not happy.

it’s a great joy to bump into and to meet up with fun people whom we happen not to see for some time. yet, from the various meetups, he learnt more facts or whatever news he is not exactly please to learn. just not up the mark

for starters, he woke up from a thiny wheeny dream. and it was a hard hit. and he starts to hate two words used in descriptions. perhaps it’s fine when those wordings are used to describe him.  but…. nah… use the similar wordings on another individual, he gets annoyed rapidly. how sad. comparing kind of suck big time. huge. major.

for seconds, he learnt that the secret convent thing’s FULL. sad but true. guess it’s pretty much too bad.  the setback is big. then again… it doesn’t matter. guess animals are much better than moon? well… too bad… just not up the mark

and so, he has woken up…. and he just doesn’t meet the mark. just doesn’t meet the mark at all.

how sickeningly sweet…

xxx

on the brighter side, there are some cool things… barely meeting the mark

1. finally grabbing a chance to watch buffy the vampire slayer season 1-7… yeah… he knows it’s an ancient show, and he’s way behind time. then again…. lifes’ pretty much a hellmouth anyway…

2. project works starts getting concrete…

3. aside from catching up and meeting with the old ppl, the new memories and bonding with new ppl’s equally’s fun.

4. project mates are interesting people, with a good healthy mix. –> really? nah… everyone’s unhealthy.. =)

5. there’s this really really cute cat down at the block

6. mumu finally graduated…. yes… she FINALLY graduated.

7. catchup with jas and juudee… (Oi… our friday… you ZONG YOU QING SE.. !@#$%^&*()

8. peelings of the body is long over for most ppl… (and of course… claire’s finally starting to peel on her thighs…)

9. caught up with hiang morris sama…

10.  FINALLY know who someone is… as in clearing the doubt to the phantom person who resembles someone… wow… so he does know her… haha. to think he mistook her for another one. well, cool project matey

xxx

tai2 mentioned that he projects a higher than average self confident level. he thinks perhaps. and wonders, ponders and doubts. maybe.

will there be someone who thinks otherwise? then that person probably knows him best.

then again, he doesn’t know about himself too… could others knows?

tai2 mentioned again that… to love oneself, blah blah… then only can oneself learn to love others. he thinks he has learn to love oneself, yet he does not love himself… (well.. he does’t hate himself…. =D )

mumu mentioned that in the game of life, it’s one philosophy in life that channels them energy… he thinks it’s true. but his way of life is just evil.

then again, evil is pure. or so he decrees.

he woke up hearing things. to be really sure, he pinched his face.

OUCH!!! so, he was not dreaming.

he didn’t like what he was hearing as he lie on his bed.

not, it’s not eavesdropping. not when the telephone conversation exchange loud like music. still, he didn’t like what he heard. it was just more D-ing news.

and he went back to sleep.

xxx

he recalled someone asking him THE question of the year. rather, it’s probably deem THE question of ONE day. it went like this, “how come you’re watching so american teen many movies? especially those slip slack corning teen movies?”

he was watching “it’s a boy girl thing – 2006” starring Samaire Armstrong.

cos however lame the american teens movies are, they tell a story. something we can learn.

xxx

then, he was watching this other movie – fantastic 4 – rise of the silver surfer. the character johnny storm, aka the human torch make a remark, “what i mean is, it’s sure having _ _ _ _ _ _ _”

exactly the point what he is feeling at the moment…

hmmmm…

experiences changes the way someone thinks or behave.

time and space do not affect the amount of experience gained by an individual. it could be something that one experience in a lifetime, or a second. someone who had experienced a second of something terrible could learn what another attempted to master in a lifetime.

new zealand bear good memories for a friend. new zealand is a place of despair for another. still, it what everyone experienced that matters.

xxx

we used to be naive, and possible idealist in and on the world. a pity. the world does not function at our whim. some one, or rather, some proverb goes like this:

“time does not matter, … … … … etc. etc.”

his highness beg to differ. ttime matters. though time, our perception changes. what we assume to have not changed, changes all the time. be it good or not, it changes.

xxx

nothing is forever. nothing lasts. everything materialistic or spiritual perish in the end. stills, humans continue to deluge themselves.

how pityful.

xxx

in the end, what’s left? nothing.

this is why, the route to _______ is L_____, very L_____.

this is why, in his dreams of a H____, there are no W______. and no C_____ at all. it’s just empty. how pitiful.

and then, one full week passed. rather, 5 days passed. still that piece of advice continued to ring true in his head.

just last night, he had another little dream. it was updated with new contents, and furnished with a new layout. it seem so real when he recollected it. so real.

and when he checked just now, nothing much changed. yet, it felt real.

perhaps he had ponder too much on letter. the rational mind goes screaming, “this must stop!” the irrational goes, “we too, must live an impossible dream to remain sane.”

ah… the piece of advice. it was a remainder really. still, he couldn’t act on it. it was too scary. too risky. the move was simply dangerous. the balance could tilt….

and then, he realized he was weak. so weak in this aspect. he who can take on the ahbengs, ahsengs, handle his own with small time hooligans. and he couldn’t take this on.

when the advice came. he worried. is someone after letters? who is son? any new developments? what if? and more what ifs…

argh… and he continue on his path to insane.

xxx

eves are cool. the boys are cool. adams suck in general.

xxx

last time he checked, the saying goes like this, “guys who went through army are men. those who had not been through it will stay on as boys.”

possible true. did some events and meet up with a lot of boys. the feel they give was ‘boys.’ the younger chaps simply think acting like small time hooligans makes them feel big. or spewing hokkien chain of !@#$ words makes this superior. until they meet with someone who ‘kick’ them off using !$!$ words.

he really hates it when those little boys attempted to roughen things on girls. an gaming event took place this sat. our ladies were being nice by reminding them the time was up and gently invited to move on to the next station. but, the small time hooligans refused to live. giving the lame-0-meter excuses and rising the gayish voices. he really hates such. if only they could stop such nonsense.

and when he went over and firmly invited them to leave did they stop their little nonsense.

argh………..

xxx

and it’s 0850hrs… time to leave for work and ponder of the piece of advice. and to conquer his fear.

xxx

guys should always ____ the first _________________.

and this is scary.

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and today, we learn a new understanding.

xxx

the ones who talks major about virtues have, essentially none of it.

period.

xxx

we are pretty sure that the story of the boy and his writings on stones and sand. how he records his sorrows on sand and joys in stone. he believes that the waves will wash the writings in stone away, while the writings crafted in stone will withstand the tides of time.

can his highness record his new understanding in sand?

perhaps he already has.

xxx

still most humans, even eves are disappointing. adams are worse.

all that are trustworthy are prob the sun, the moon, the stars, the rockets, the boys and the cats.

period.

i feel miserable.

but sometimes, we do what we must. not because we like it. but because we have to do it.

that’s journalist.

=(

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