Humour & Jokes [幽默、笑话]


The Singapore Armed Forces (abbreviated: SAF) is the most powerful military organization in the world because it has never lost a single war [3]. The SAF relies largely on conscripted soldiers and comprises three branches: the Branch That Blows Up Things On Land, the Branch That Blows Up Things In The Air, and the Branch That Blows Up Things In The Sea. The number of active personnel in the SAF is estimated at 60,000,000,000, the most important of which being over 10,000 malingering chao keng kia PES E soldiers who ensure that Generals get their coffee on time and piping hot. It is further estimated that another 100,000 or so soldiers are actually full-time ‘Winning Eleven’ Professionals – with evidence of numerous competitions held within the various divisions (3rd, 6th, 9th).

and that is simply just an extract…. check out the original FULL article

kudos to mark who pass this article along. cheers!

kudos to the original chap who post this up. hope you don’t get called by the IS dept.

disclaimer: i’ll remove this post if someone finds this uncomfortable =)

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and so it’s here.

just for laughs…

Roses are red
Bluebirds are blue
If you don’t pak tor with me
I will hoot you

If you need a friend
I’ll be damn staunch
So come with me lah
To the KTV launge

The day we met, at Tekka market
I knew with just one look,
You’d gimme a son, but now that’s done
Just shaddup and stay home and cook!

You are damn jude
You are tok kong
You be my steady
I no need Patpong

I tattooed your name
Across my knee
But I fail prembry eight
So I spell wrongly

I damn steam you
But I boh pian
Because you’re my
Tua Tao’s gur’fren

If you dun lurve me
I will be damn bang
So lurve me lah!
Or I call all my gang

Oi, why you sit there
And look so sian?
Why not come here
And be my Ah Lian?

– from the good folks aka Edwin Dumboo @ talkingcock.com

xxx

happy saints valentine day to all and happy friendship day to all!

something funny from wy

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

xxx

an it was a timely piece. something worth cheering up for.

anyway, his royalness got this quiz from indian panda jinxun‘s site… seems a interesting quiz. oh… indian panda? first time he knew her, he thought she was some indian beauty…

and omg was pretty much the expression on his face when she spoke the first chinese phrase… =_=

The Boy/Girl meme

Your Boy Side
[ ] You love hoodies. its too darn hot to wear it in sg…
[ @_x ] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats. sorry, but cats are much cooler…
[ ] It’s hilarious when people get hurt. can i hurt the quiz creator instead?
[ @_x ] You’ve played with/against boys on a team. i rather add in some girls in the team
[ ] Shopping is torture. nah… w/o shopping, we won’t have clothes to wear…
[ ] Sad movies suck. we really don’t need tissues…
[ ] You own an X-Box. that’s for kids…
[ ] Played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid. back then, we call it toy cars…
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter. nah…
[ ] You own a DS, PS2 or Sega. ….
[
@_x ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers. gogo power rangers…
[
@_x ] You watch sports on TV.
[
@_x ] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice. he’s busy
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps. we call it dragonball cards
[ ] You like going to football games. nah… it suck when the ball hits someones’ balls.. or urs…
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards. dragonball or magic cards. baseball not the IN thing in sg
[ ] Baggy pants are cool to wear. so, you can be a balloon
[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. sleeping around is fun. just NOT with guys =)
[
@_x ] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[
@_x ] You love to go crazy and not care what people think. the world is crazy to begin with
[
@_x ] Sports are fun. they say sex is a sport…
[
@_x ] Talk with food in your mouth. who doesnt’
[ ] Wear boxers. most boxers have silly cartoons on it


Your Girl Side
[ ] You wear lip gloss. i dun peel on the lips
[
@_x ] You love to shop. if u dun’t shop, u dun get clothes
[ ] You wear eyeliner. na..
[ ] You have some of the same shirts in different colors. ….
[
@_x ] You wear the color pink.
[
@_x ] Go to your mom for advice. trust me on this, women have more brains. hell lot more
[
@_x ] You consider cheerleading a sport. of course
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[
@_x ] You like wearing jewelry. chains, rings, necklaces…
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[
@_x ] You don’t like the movie Star Wars. not much zeal in it
[ ] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance. they say martial arts’ a dance
[ ] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. 15minutes and less…
[
@_x ] You smile a lot more than you should. smile to live
[
@_x ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes. does scandals, slippers count? it DOES!
[
@_x ] You care about what you look like. u don’t care? what an APE
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[ ] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne. smells too much…
[ ] You wear girl underwear.
[ ] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[
@_x ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it. it’s fun to make someone ugly
[ ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you’re bored.

dots… dots… and more dots… this is definitely a quiz created by a mcp… he wonder where panda got it from…

boy indicators: 09
girl indicators: 10

he says,”i rest my case”…

You would remember:

You grew up watching He-man, MASK, Transformers, Silver Hawk and Mickey Mouse, Ninja turtles, Carebears, Robocop, My Little Pony and Smurfs.

You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You would squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug.

You hated or loved the school nurse (she was either pretty or mean).

You know what SBC stands for.

You paid 40 cents for cartons of Chocolate or Strawberry milk every week in class.

Everyone’s wallet used to be the velcro type

It was cool to have pagers in primary school

SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood and the cushionwere red. The big red bell gave a loud BEEP! when pressed.

There were still bus tickets and bus conductors would come up to check them.

Envelopes were given to us to donate to Sharity Elephant every Children’s Day.

You’ve probably read Young Generation magazine.You know who’s Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.

You know what PETS are and the hidden animals in all the text pages. You hated penmanship.

Writing lines and caning hands were common, esp if you failed chinese spelling (caning was actually allowed. no shit).

You were there when they first introduced the MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.

Gals were fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.

You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street.

You bought tidbits called beebee (20 cents per pack, 10 cents in MGS), and mamee (30 cents), that had a different sticker in it every time.

You carried a lunch box to school but either threw away the food or brought it back home again.

You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven were probably the thickest
story books you thought you would ever read.

KFC used to be a high class restaurant that served food in plates and had metal forks and knives. (I dont remember this, anyone?)

The most vulgar thing you said was asshole and idiot and THE MOST EXTREME WAS ‘chicken pie’…you just couldn’t bring yourself to say the hokkien translation.

Catching and pepsi-cola was the IN thing, and twist was the
magic word.

Your English workbooks were made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.

You came to school 15 mins before the bell every morning just so you could copy someone’s homework.

CDIS was your best friend.

The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellized characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you math.

Waterbottles were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you went.

Boys loved to play soccer with small stones or tennis balls in the basketball court.

Girls played five stones and boys played with marbles.

Science was fun with the Balsam and the Angsana being the most important plants of our lives, guppies and swordtail being the most important fishes.

Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, immortalized in our minds from school textbooks.

We conducted experiments of our own to get badges for being a Young Zoologist/Botanist etc.

Every Children’s day and National day you either got pins or pens with ‘Happy Children’s Day 1993’ or useless plastic files with ‘Happy National Day 1994’.

You wore BM2000, BATA, or Pallas shoes.

Your form teacher taught you Maths, Science and English.

You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school
to sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday (you hated them).

Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $2 or more for pocket mone everyday.

You saw Wee Kim Wee’s face in the school hall.

Boys liked catching fighting spiders, earthworms or tadpoles.

Collecting and battling erasers was a pastime for boys.

Class monitors and prefects loved to say, “You talk somemore, I write your name ah!”

You got booked for muddy shoes in class.

There were at least 40 people in one class.

You brought every single book to school, even though there was a timetable.

There was a pro-yo/bumblebee, digimon craze at some point in time.

 

 

– shamelessly leeched from facebook – if you were born in the 80’s in Singapore

 

xxx

 

those were the days…

and oh.. 80’s refer to 1980 – 1989… and that will probably refer to all those belong in the age range 18 – 27 years old as on 2007.

 

cheers!

1. Whatever

Man: What to have for dinner, sweetheart?

Woman: Whatever…

Man: Why not we have steamboat?

Woman: Do’wan lah, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face, you know?

Man: All right, why not we have SiChuan cuisine? Good idea leh?

Woman: Yesterday ate SiChuan, today eat again? You damn su koo…

Man: Hmm…then I suggest we have seafood, can or not?

Woman: Seafood no good lah, later I got diarrhoea how?

Man: Then what you suggest, sweetheart?

Woman: Whatever…

2. Anything

Man: So what should we do now, my dear?

Woman: Anything.

Man: How about watching movie? Long time we didn’t watch movie areddy.

Woman: Watching movie no good lah, waste time and waste money also.

Man: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?

Woman: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?

Man: Then find a café and have drink?

Woman: Drink coffee will affect my sleep. Tomorrow all day sian-sian how?

Man: Then what you suggest, my dear?

Woman: Anything .

3. You Decide

Man: Then we just go home lor.

Woman: You decide.

Man: Let take bus, I will accompany you.

Woman: Bus is dirty and crowded. Very pek chek, do’wan lah…

Man: Ok we go take taxi?

Woman: Not worth it leh…for such a short distance from here back home. You got a lot money ha? Got brain or not, sotong?

Man: All right, then we walk lor. Take a slow walk. Also not bad orh?

Woman: What to walk with empty stomach, wah lau!

Man: Then what you suggest?

Woman: You decide…

Man: Let’s have dinner first?

Woman: Whatever…

Man: Eat what?

Woman: Anything…

Man: (#$%@&*!…) (Look around…. No one here, gonna kill her…. Damn beh tahan…!!!)

xxx

shameless leeched from another fellow libra, aka yidi = yisi = rabbit etc…

—————-
Now playing on iTunes: 张韶涵 – 不想懂得 (公主小妹 – 片尾曲)
via FoxyTunes

在同一篇网页有看到了这么一则:

“有位穷书生发奋读书,就在自己的房门前写下对联以自励,上联是:‘睡草屋闭户演字’,下联是:‘卧脚塌弄笛声腾’,横批:‘甘从天命’。有一天,一个河南 人路过此地,见到这副对联就心生好奇,用他的家乡话大声地念了起来:‘谁操我屁股眼子’,‘我叫他弄得生疼’……呦,还有横批!不过这次他给念反了:‘明 天重干!’”

注:要用广东话念

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